My friend Caroline was putting together a post for National Infertility Awareness Week and she asked me to contribute a short little snippet describing what I wish more people knew about infertility. This got the wheels turning. I spent a long while thinking about this. Probably too long. I have never really participated in NIAW, but this year I felt like I had something to say. I wanted to share something that would be impactful....both to the infertility community and to those who do not struggle with infertility. I wrote Caroline an email back so answer her question and I said:
"Sometimes infertility is quiet. It doesn't always look like hormones and injections, IVF, doctor appointments and charting your next steps. Sometimes it is just quiet prayers, faithful hope and a patient longsuffering."
After sending that over to her, I thought..."man, I could really expand on that. Maybe I'll just write a little post about what I mean. Maybe it would help someone else." The theme of NAIW this year is #startasking. So I thought I would start a dialogue for anyone who wants to start asking a questions about what the other, the less obvious side, of infertility looks like.
It's so easy to equate infertility with the endless striving for motherhood. From HSGs to charting and ultrasounds, negative pregnancy tests to Clomid and injections, IUIs and 2nd opinions...I've been on that side of infertility. I've been on the side on infertility where every moment of my life was consumed with how to get pregnant. "Maybe if we try this drug...maybe if we see this doctor...maybe if I memorize this verse or pray this prayer...maybe if my faith were just a little bit bigger..." I camped on that side of infertility for a long time. Years.
But now I'm on a different end of the infertility spectrum now.
I don't mean that I am done with infertility. No. Infertility is still very much with me. I still have a uterine fibroid and poor egg quality. I still only have one fallopian tube, which is likely blocked now. I still have a cyst on my brain that affects hormone regulation. I still am not pregnant. Infertility may stick with me for many years to come. It's like a monkey on my back that won't jump off no matter how many bananas I tried to throw. So when I say that I'm on the "other side" of infertility, it doesn't mean that infertility is no longer a part of my life, my prayers or that it doesn't occupy any space in my heart.
What I mean, is that I'm on the quieter side of infertility now. The side that is no longer striving, trying, planning or researching. The side where actively pursuing medical treatments is over and you're done trying to fix what is wrong, or maybe you realize you can't fix what is wrong, like in our case. Not many people ever make it to this side. Often, IVF, surrogacy, surprise pregnancies or adoption enter the scene and this side of infertility remains a dark unknown that people are glad to pass right by.
Since many people avoid this place, either intentionally or because God supernaturally intervenes on their behalf, there are consequently very few people on this side of infertility. It's like a secret land that no one really knows about. It's scary at first, you don't really know what's over on this side. Like.... what actually happens when you get off the infertility treatment crazy train? Is it so dark that you can't see? Is it just utterly hopeless? Do you feel stagnant since you're no longer actively pursuing something? Do you just wander around aimlessly hoping for a baby to drop out of the sky? Are you just forever lost at sea? I get it. I asked all of those questions too when we made the decision to stop actively pursuing medical treatment.
It's an interesting place to be, especially when there are so few who have gone before you. There's not exactly a guide for this stage. To my knowledge, there isn't a book or step-by-step directions on how to navigate these waters we have found ourselves in.
To be honest, the quiet side of infertility is very peaceful. You can hear yourself think and the Lord speak. You're in a place with new views and horizons. You can travel and not worry about ruining a cycle. You can stop stabbing yourself with needles and taking crazy pills (looking at you, Clomid). Your head space is a little clearer because you're no longer obsessed with trying to fix what is wrong. You also have a little extra time and money since you're not blindly throwing them away into the pit of fertility treatments.
I'm here to tell you it's really not a scary place. It's just not.
Are there still sad days and despairing nights? Yep. Do you still mourn the loss of a dream not yet realized? Yes. Are friendships strained because you don't fit in? Definitely. But this is also a place of opportunity for strength and incredible growth. It's a rich land that is full of potential, which I am just now beginning to lean into.
Ultimately, this is a place of deep dependence on Jesus. He helps keep me keep my head up when the world wants me to second guess the path I'm on. It's so easy to question this side of infertility. To wonder if we really continue to hear God correctly. To feel insecure and left behind. It's so easy to crumble under the pressure to conform to society's standards, the infertility community's common bonds, the Christian community's expectations.
It takes a lot of obedience, courage, strength, hope, faith, prayer, perspective, peace and humility to stay here. But knowing that we are firmly walking in alignment with God's will for our life is a beautiful thing. Even if it's hard and doesn't look like what everyone else is doing, both within and outside of the infertility community.
So, if you're thinking about stopping fertility treatments, or if you're not comfortable moving forward with more, or if the funds have run dry, or if you feel the Lord leading you to simply rest and trust in Him...I'm here to tell you, it's ok to do that. You don't have to dive head first into things you're not comfortable with or don't feel called to. You don't have to keep putting your body through hell. You don't have to justify your decision or explain yourself. You don't have to worry that you are "giving up."
Being on the quiet side of infertility is perfectly fine. There aren't many of us on this side, and it takes a lot of guts and prayer to make it here and stay here. But if you do make it, you're in good company and you can rest assured that the Lord will never leave you or forsake you as you trust in Him for His perfect plan.
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What I mean, is that I'm on the quieter side of infertility now. The side that is no longer striving, trying, planning or researching. The side where actively pursuing medical treatments is over and you're done trying to fix what is wrong, or maybe you realize you can't fix what is wrong, like in our case. Not many people ever make it to this side. Often, IVF, surrogacy, surprise pregnancies or adoption enter the scene and this side of infertility remains a dark unknown that people are glad to pass right by.
Since many people avoid this place, either intentionally or because God supernaturally intervenes on their behalf, there are consequently very few people on this side of infertility. It's like a secret land that no one really knows about. It's scary at first, you don't really know what's over on this side. Like.... what actually happens when you get off the infertility treatment crazy train? Is it so dark that you can't see? Is it just utterly hopeless? Do you feel stagnant since you're no longer actively pursuing something? Do you just wander around aimlessly hoping for a baby to drop out of the sky? Are you just forever lost at sea? I get it. I asked all of those questions too when we made the decision to stop actively pursuing medical treatment.
It's an interesting place to be, especially when there are so few who have gone before you. There's not exactly a guide for this stage. To my knowledge, there isn't a book or step-by-step directions on how to navigate these waters we have found ourselves in.
To be honest, the quiet side of infertility is very peaceful. You can hear yourself think and the Lord speak. You're in a place with new views and horizons. You can travel and not worry about ruining a cycle. You can stop stabbing yourself with needles and taking crazy pills (looking at you, Clomid). Your head space is a little clearer because you're no longer obsessed with trying to fix what is wrong. You also have a little extra time and money since you're not blindly throwing them away into the pit of fertility treatments.
I'm here to tell you it's really not a scary place. It's just not.
Are there still sad days and despairing nights? Yep. Do you still mourn the loss of a dream not yet realized? Yes. Are friendships strained because you don't fit in? Definitely. But this is also a place of opportunity for strength and incredible growth. It's a rich land that is full of potential, which I am just now beginning to lean into.
Ultimately, this is a place of deep dependence on Jesus. He helps keep me keep my head up when the world wants me to second guess the path I'm on. It's so easy to question this side of infertility. To wonder if we really continue to hear God correctly. To feel insecure and left behind. It's so easy to crumble under the pressure to conform to society's standards, the infertility community's common bonds, the Christian community's expectations.
It takes a lot of obedience, courage, strength, hope, faith, prayer, perspective, peace and humility to stay here. But knowing that we are firmly walking in alignment with God's will for our life is a beautiful thing. Even if it's hard and doesn't look like what everyone else is doing, both within and outside of the infertility community.
So, if you're thinking about stopping fertility treatments, or if you're not comfortable moving forward with more, or if the funds have run dry, or if you feel the Lord leading you to simply rest and trust in Him...I'm here to tell you, it's ok to do that. You don't have to dive head first into things you're not comfortable with or don't feel called to. You don't have to keep putting your body through hell. You don't have to justify your decision or explain yourself. You don't have to worry that you are "giving up."
Being on the quiet side of infertility is perfectly fine. There aren't many of us on this side, and it takes a lot of guts and prayer to make it here and stay here. But if you do make it, you're in good company and you can rest assured that the Lord will never leave you or forsake you as you trust in Him for His perfect plan.
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